i was scrolling threads this morning and saw a post about the elon musk in passing. i have his name on the list of forbidden words and block everyone who posts about him, so i’m surprised it made through my heavily filtered feed. [he’s blocked everywhere because i am triggered about gender by my own body far too frequently; i don’t need to be triggered by some warthog1 that spews ignorant, hateful rhetoric as well.]
he was talking about the “loss of his son” and how he was “tricked into giving them the medicine that killed them” and a whole bunch of other nonsense. i can only assume he meant is daughter, who he also dead-named during the course of his lament. the comments - because i check, i always check - were filled with the usual; sympathetic parents who have also “lost” children and lgbtqia+ individuals and allies pointing out the flaws in elon’s monologue.
i typically disregard anyone who agrees with elon or spouts similar nonsense, but today i paused. i wonder - what is the disconnect that causes grown adults to identify with someone like musk and therefore, grant him their compassion, while at the same time denying that compassion to their friends or children or family members who are being put through the same things as musk’s daughter? what is it founded in? why can some people not see me and people like me as worthy of the same consideration and care as a man who is actively harming and alienating those who are closest to him?
the only thing coming to mind is dehumanization. that the heterosexist and transsexist individuals in our lives have ceased to see us as human. they see us as disorders or as diagnosis. they view us the same way they view people with different skin colours, or hearing aides, or wheelchairs, or canes: something to be pitied and not let outside. something to be kept out of society. something to be eradicated or fixed. we are the runts of the pack and well, natural selection means we will die, so it’s not like they’re the ones that are killing us, right?
it’s made me wonder if i have ever sided with someone or given someone the benefit of a doubt because their flaws are the same as mine. it’s made me wonder how to gauge that. because i like offering my perspective and, forgive me if i’m being self inflated, but at times it feels as though perspectives like mine from people like me are sorely lacking in many conversation that take place both on and off line. but offering my perspective cannot come at the cost of defending what is wrong or unjust.
i’ve taken a massive step back in my online presence of late. it wasn’t exactly on purpose or on accident. i didn’t do it with intention but i have been leaning into it. taking advantage of it, if you will. trying to figure things out. and this is one of them. how to avoid defending what is evil and unjust, simply because i identify with the person committing these transgressions? is there any way to? can we ever be sure? is it better to speak and hope any similar transgressions we commit, whether by accident or on purpose, are forgiven? or is it better to remain silent?
i think silence is the answer or at least part of it. at least for me. i’m not sure how much of the answer it is or if this is simply a new side to my lack of confidence surfacing yet again. but i’ve found myself leaning into the quiet. deleting texts and comments and posts. walking backwards. not adding to conversations as much as i might have, previously. not initiating contact.
there is always work to be done but i cannot ignore the fact that sometimes that work needs to be done on myself. i’m worthy of the time and effort it will take for me to be the person i want to be. i’m worth all of the resources necessary - including but not limited to proper sleep, medications, therapy - to transform me into an individual capable of contributing to society and the world as a whole the way i desire to. the goal is not to not be like musk or those like him; the goal is too be 100% myself and leave him and others like him completely out of the equation.
this might be an insult to warthogs but i’m hoping they’ll be unbothered by the comparison. obviously being a warthog is fine but acting like a warthog when you profess not only to be human but to be better than all other humans invites speculation and comparison.